Today's post is going to be a little too deep for some as I will be sharing my thoughts on my previous relationship and how it has affected me.
Truthfully, I wanted to keep this off social media but the fact that many are having a misconception about me and are constantly asking me the same thing over and over again, so I decided to come forward about it.
Yes, I am single and no it is not impossible that I am single.
In fact, I have been single for the past year. It still hurts because I could not believe what had happened.
Let me start from the beginning (well briefly of course)...
For two years I was in the (probably) best relationship by far with a man who gave me the space that I needed to grow while making sure I was not neglected in any way. I was able to display my affection both in a spoilt and mature manner.
He wouldn't even stop me from being the manja pot that I am when we were in the car or in front of his friends as I usually carry around a bantal busuk or a teddy bear with me whenever I can cause I love to hug things which are soft.
He also allowed me to be independent as he had always encouraged me to work with passion, especially with my hobbies.
He wasn't shy to boast me off to his friends and neither was I. Hence why all of us, including my ex, are still friends.
Everything was going great til the point where reality kicked in and our differences (sensitive and very personal matters) came to light. We hit our first speed bump after a year and a half into the relationship. I called it off as it was straining even our friendship at that point, but we quickly got back with each other.
At this point, I just became oblivious towards both his and my slow change in character. He was being in denial of things would eventually not work out as he can't make that commitment. But it wasn't entirely his fault, as I couldn't give up my stand too.
Thus, led to our devastating breakup. Which came as a shocker to the rest of our circle of friends.
4 months went by painfully for me, but that wasn't the worst pain that I had felt. It came "knocking" in my Facebook pm one day - the feeling of an arrow pierced its way through the flesh passing the bones and out of the body with the heart attached to the head of the spear.
The truth came out - The reason why we broke up wasn't the 100% reason of why we broke up.
A girl introduced herself politely and in a friendly manner for about a good 10 minutes which then her gentle demeanour became the rubbing salt on my wound. As she explains who she was, she cunningly emphasised that she was "his". By which I did ask, when did they get together.
Truthfully, that was one of the most regretful things that I had ever ask. I wish I hadn't asked her, because if I didn't I would not have this semi-hatred feeling in me.
Well, here on, you can already guess what had happened.
Probably the thing that still bugs me til today is the fact that I had never thought he would be someone who would do that to me, especially when he hated his ex til every single drop of blood of hers because she left him for another guy.
And it could also be that my ego has been crushed ever since. Why my ego? Cause I had dated playboys before and none ever left me for another or kept another as a backup and my ex wasn't someone like that. I guess everyone can change for better or for worse.
Honestly, I am more pissed at myself rather than him, cause if I had not been so caught up with work (like he was), then probably I could have given him the attention that he needed and he wouldn't have to find another source.
Don't judge me on this, as I feel it's unfair to blame it all on one person. I had my fair share of flaws which contributed to our breakup.
Because all of this thing happen during the year that I had the most trust issues with friends and family, my trust has tremendously shrunk and it has not built back up again.
I am clearly not ready to be in a relationship as there were countless times where I would end up hugging my bolster and crying myself to sleep because of the loneliness that creeps up every now and then.
Right now, my main focus is to become a credible blogger/writer while saving up money to travel around the world when I hit 27. Til I meet a guy who makes me feel secure and does not ridicule my efforts, I will not get into any relationship or to simply date around. I am just not that kind of woman.
For those who have labelled me as a person who plays hard to get or even as an arrogant person, I would like to apologise in advance, I do not mean to hurt your pride by turning your offer down, it's just that I know things won't work out.
Don't pull your trigger just yet, please. The reason why I am saying I know it won't work out is because I was given the freedom to grow many times by my parents and my exes, so if I feel like I am being caged up or tied down by any means, I would not think twice to turn down your offer.
I do realise that over the past year, I have been acting colder towards people in general, apart from family of course, that's mainly because I have trust issues. So forgive me, if I ever do speak harshly to you or if I am more blunt with my words.
I figured there's no point in being nice all the time while holding back things that should be voiced out. People grow when they learn.
I know there are many of you who share the same circle as my ex and I so, please do not belittle him as he doesn't deserve that. He is an amazing individual the kind of friend that you would be proud to have. Just like everyone, he made a mistake and so did I.
This post was not written to shame anyone. It was just written for me to open up what I have kept inside for so long. I will always be his friend as long as he wants me to be his friend.
I hope this helps you to understand me a little more. I may seem like a person that it always bubbly and cheerful but that's not always the case as I am an adult too. I do have to face problems and responsibilities.
Hope this post will also give strength to those who are single and are also facing a hard time getting over the past.
Till the next post, see you!