How Messed Up Can This Bubbly Girl Get?



Sorry~~~this is just going to be a post where I let all my steam out as I feel like I am about to explode if I don't free my trapped feelings now.

Please don't say things like others are having it worse...I know that...but for me...this is one of my biggest slumps. Ever since I found out that I was given the 'option' to find another job, everything has been rolling down the slope since.

It's coming 2 months now since that announcement and I know it has affected me badly. Do you ever feel like you are too attached to something that when 'it' starts to push you away, you just start to break into pieces? The feeling is similar to getting pushed aside by your loved ones. That's exactly my situation now.

I am literally the kind of person that falls in love with whatever I am doing quite easily...so having to face the possibility of losing it...my mind and heart becomes a literal mess.

Since then, my emotions are rather on the negative side, nothing I write or do is as impactful as before, production has been slowed down more than 50%, restless nights, always feeling tired and worse of all, I can't seem to steer my way back to the right direction. And that is eating me up from inside out.

I feel like I am a worthless piece of sh*t at most times. I can never get anything right or even on time. Punctuality seems to be a distant thing for me now. 

And it's not helping that all this stress and sleepless night are creating a chaos on my appearance too!

I never was on the flabby side...but with all these couldn't-give-a-damn attitude of mine, I have 'successfully' created a belly that seems to be impossible to get rid off and my face looks like it has been 'blessed' by demons.

I was supposed to do an MV reaction today but...

Here's what happened; came back home earlier today to do the recording...but was held back for some family matter then after showering, I turned on the switch only to find out that my newly purchased extension plug 'burst' probably due to electricity overflow.

Hence, I can't use my equipment in my room...I had to wait for my parents to get to bed so that I could record in the hall. When it was time...turned on the ring light and camera...then I saw my no-where-near-to-flawless face appear on the camera, I immediately turned off the camera and broke into tears.

I practically wasted time...I was even wearing a full makeup for the recording...*sigh*

Just a few days back, I posted on my personal FB account;

"What do you do when you are feeling stuck and you can sense that others around are also feeling stuck...hence making you feel like you are even more stuck in the black hole..."

I am being really honest about feeling stuck...but instead, there were some who jokingly said "add lube" or in a similar context to that. 

Some were rather helpful (I guess) since they suggested me to try mind-mapping what's the problems and finding possible solutions. I haven't tried this out yet...but I will probably do it over the holidays.

And since I have been snappy...I got butthurt over a comment reply to my opinion. Apparently, I am dissing people nowadays. How did I end up being in this spot? I feel so cornered.

To make things even more 'heavy'...at the back of mind...I just can't help to think that we (my partner and I) may not last that long together. Since we do have quite an age gap, I fear that my 'over-worrying' thoughts will eat me up slowly.

Well, it's not really a relaxing thought that when you are at 26, relatives start asking you to bring back your 'potential' partner to meet the family. How could I do such a thing...? The boy needs his time to grow up and experience life. Why on earth would I want to pressure him in a way that could result in creating a crack?

Now, I know you must be thinking that if the guy is scared then he wasn't meant for me anyway. I would like to beg to differ. Not everyone can accept things the way they are easily and instantly. Some people need time to 'digest' things.

We even started this relationship because I told him we try it out for a year first and see how it goes later on since there is an age gap between us. And now that it has already been 6 months...the fear is creeping up even more.

I am not blaming him or anything...I am blaming myself, essentially... Me and my stupid thoughts that just can't seem to be erased. Please don't get the wrong idea...I do love him dearly...it's just me.

I know, eventually, I will find a way out of this black hole...but I really hope it is sooner rather than later. I can't take this suffocating feeling anymore.

For those who think I am trying to gain sympathy...well you may be right...but I know for sure that I just want to 'release' these pilled up frustration...whether you want to react to it caringly, sympathetically or even with a sneer...that's up to you.

Sorry for turning your day gloomy with my uncalled act. Hope you will be 'brighter' after a short while.




CONVERSATION

14 comments:

  1. you are beautiful inside out regardless. you will overcome this phase. pm me to talk anytime dear.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Leona...if I can't handle it anymore I will definitely come running to you...

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  2. Now let me tell you a little story.

    Long ago, there was a guy who can be considered as a successful person. He was well known in his school and country because he was a national athlete. He has been successful since he was 14 and went on to become the top 10 best in the world by the age of 22. But due to some stupid politics in the sport that he loves, he became a cast-away. He was cast aside slowly by the sports' association and ultimately he had to quit because he felt that he was no longer needed. Mind you, he was among the best in the world at that time and all his teammates were all asking him not to quit. All because of politics in the game.

    He felt cheated. He fell really hard. He really wanted to get back in the sport and represent the country again. But he couldn't. Not without a good financial backing.

    He wanted to end his life many times. But later on he found out that all those negative feeling and wanting to give up on life is stupid. Life doesn't end easily. And he won't give up that easy as well. So instead of giving up, he got back up again. He is looking at life as it is... full of shit but so what? People push him away, so what? People take advantage of him, so what? That's all he said. "So what?"

    Because that is life. It will push you down all the time. Don't bother what other people say or do. Just go on with your life and what you want to do with it. When you hit an obstacle, you either run away, take a detour or brave through it. Choose what's best for you at that time. Run away? Can. Brave through it? Also can. It's your choice.

    Now back to that guy's story. He didn't get back to his much loved sport. He realised that he don't need to because that was a part of his life, a moment long time ago. Now he moved on to do something else and he's happy. He enjoys writing and telling stories about his life.

    And right now, he's typing this comment and told you his story. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. OMG...this is officially one of the most touching comments ever...and an inspiring one at that too...probably it's just my phase now...the one that you overcome...thank you Kamarul...I hope I will be able to brave it out...n make it through...

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    2. Yep. It's just a phase. Don't bother too much with whatever that is going on around you. Do what you want and what makes you happy. Given an "option" to find another job? Okay! Say thank you and bye bye. So what? Most important thing is that you've given your best and trust me, the universe will find a way to reward you with something else. This door is closed for you but another and bigger one will open.

      I know you can get through this. Woohooo!!!

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  4. When everything came crashing down in my life, I took a breather for a year. I blocked all the noise, focused on healing and becoming happy again. I also prayed to God, to give me answers to my questions and he did, all at once.

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    1. I wish I had the savings to back me up for that kind of breather...though probably just a month would do for me..hahaha

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  5. hope you feeling better now. cheer up

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  6. Chin up girl. Life will always have its ups and downs. Feel sad, cry, etc, if it helps but remember, what goes down can only go up. And up we go in the next wave. That's life and we must enjoy the ride no matter what.

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  7. "When things go wrong, as sometime it will, rest if you must but don't you quit" My good wishes to you!! You are a good person and I wish you stay happy and blessed!

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  8. Go for a short vacation somewhere sweetie.. you need some me time, and some peace.. does not have to be freaking expensive, just back pack to the next town on bus and stay in some nice but inexpensive hostel....personally my life has its fair share of ups and downs and that is how I weather through with mine... Take a break enjoy yourself for a couple of days or week in a new environment.. just a little break...that doesnt break the bank...

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  9. Yana, perhaps a short vacation, just walk away for the current state, not avoiding though...just that recharge 1st & come back...hugsss ya cheers, SiennyLovesDrawing

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