Good Bye 2019, Hello 2020!

2019 was officially the worst year by far! There were just too many downs that completely overshadowed even the best moments in my life. I know...most of you would have not expected this negative vibe right off the bat as a way to greet the new decade; but acknowledging the bad, addressing it and moving forward from it is something that is actually good. And that is what this post is all about.

I told myself that I really need to come clean, as most of you who follow and support me unconditionally, deserve an explanation as to why I have been away from most of my social media platforms including this blog.

As some of you might know, that in August 2018, I had moved out into my own space, where I did my vlogs, live streaming, content creating and etc. However, exactly a year after that, unfortunately, I had to move back in to my parents' place as my funds was pretty dried up.

When I started my recent full time job at Hearty Party Malaysia, I had to put a halt on most of my side activities, which included content writing, my paintings, my freelance modelling jobs and etc, as I was working in an event line. Hence, I only had that 1 income to depend on and obviously that wasn't enough to sustain my own space. So, I decided to head back home.

In a way, I think it was all in God's plan, because right after I moved back to the family house, my family was struck with an unfortunate news. My dad fell very ill and taking care of him and my mom seemed like a very hard thing to do if I was still staying outside. So, thankfully, I was always within reach for both of my parents by that time.

There were a lot of back and forth trips to the hospital which completely drained out everyone's energy, both emotionally and physically. After, two weeks straight of having to travel from Puchong to Setia Alam to Assunta Hospital and back to Puchong by late night, it really started to affect my progress at work.

And I was really unhappy with how I was performing, because I knew at the back of my mind that how I progress will affect the team and the company's growth. At this point, I was already questioning my capabilities but I still tried my hardest to pull through it and thankfully, the Hearty Party Malaysia team were being lenient and understanding towards my whole situation.

Fast forward to two months of going through the whole hospital-work-hospital-home routine, during one night after a 21st birthday party that took place in Hearty Party Malaysia, as I headed over to my cousin's place, as my family was celebrating my cousin's 21st birthday as well, I got into an accident.

I would not lie, this accident became a wake up call for me. Don't worry, I did not sustain any physical injury; my body is still functioning the way it was but my mind definitely wasn't!

My Kei-kun (my car), was in a total wreck. The drive shaft broke, my front right wheel snapped outwards, all the tires went flat and I ultimately ended up in a ditch. And NO, I wasn't speeding...I was turning a left corner when all of a sudden my steering locked hard left and the rest was history.

Obviously, seeing Kei-kun in the condition that it was, totally made me upset but getting back to my cousin's place and having my sickly father rushing to the front gate just to give me a tight hug...that wrecked me inside out.

In my mind...what kept repeating was "Papa is already ill and Yana here you are adding more unnecessary pain to the man that brought you up to become what you are today" I kid you not, at that time I felt like the most useless child on earth, as I felt like I wasn't making my dad's condition any better if at all, I probably made his condition worse by making him worry about his baby daughter. (Yes, my dad definitely still sees me as the baby of the family)

I remember that I kept saying "Sorry for causing so much trouble" to both my parents and even though they comforted me, I just felt like a wreck.

A week after the incident, I got to find out that my dad's test results kept fluctuating and that just didn't sit well with me. Obviously, my performance at work was already heading downhill or rather it was accelerating downwards, so much so that there were nights I would just randomly burst into tears as I was reflecting on my work progress. That's when I knew that I was in a very dark place (state of depression).

So, I decided to tell my sister (and later my mom) about what I was going through, and how much I love the company that I don't want to see it slow down it's growth because of me being (in a way) incompetent. The next step that I only could think of to balance being there for the family and giving a better chance for the company's rapid growth was to leave the company and let a more capable person take over while I stay close to my family.

You have to understand, that I am the kind of person that put my all, including emotions, to everything that I do. Even though I know I am more than capable to pull of the job, at this point in time, I am unable to perform my best with the current conditions at home. From how I see it, money can always be earned but spending time with family is something that is too precious and there's no way of getting back the times which were lost.

Hence why, I decided to make my drastic move. Thankfully, everyone around me including my family, my partner and my bosses, they were all being supportive and understanding towards my whole situation.

It is definitely a risky choice that I've made, but it's a risk that I am willing to gamble as long as I can spend more time with my family.

Was it a reckless move? Yes, it might be one of the most reckless move that I have ever made but I am absolutely not putting a pause button in my progress, that's for sure!

I have already decided to get back with my freelance writing jobs and maybe...just maybe if I am able to get back in shape by February, I would definitely get back into modelling on the sides as well. Of course, that's not my main goal.

My main goal for 2020 is to setup an online business. I know, it's definitely a big leap from one thing to another, but I have mentioned countless times on my blog that my dream job is one of which I can work from home. And most likely, this is the best time to get started, right?

This also means that I will be picking back up on my paintings, so those of you who have been following me because of my art, you are in for a treat for sure!

And finally, yes I am turning my blog into a self-improvement blog, in hopes to relate and inspire those of you whom are also going through some rough times and are in need of a shoulder to cry on or a pair of ears just to hear you out. I am opening my email, for anyone to get in touch with me. I really want to be there for you because I know what it feels like to get stuck in that pitch black hole. It's rough inside there...but just know that if you stretch out your hand just a little bit, I can reach out to you.

I can't promise you that I will be able to solve your problems but at the very least, I want to be able to ease your pain even by the smallest chance just by hearing your cries.

I know that I am still trying to make progress with my own self-improvement journey but I honestly hope that we can progress to make our lives better, one step at a time.

Lastly, I would like to thank each and every one of you, for patiently reading this post and making it right to the end. It really means a lot to me. Let's make 2020 the year of improvements and a journey worth fighting for, together!

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